Humour: Jokes About Crime

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><img align="middle" alt="" border="0" src="http://idiva.com/media/guylife/content/2012/Feb/crimethumb.jpg" title="crimethumb" /> <br /> <strong>Crime vs. Cartoon</strong><br /> Q: What do Jack The Ripper and Winnie The Pooh have in common? <br /> <br /> A: They both have the same middle name!<br /> <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /> <br /> One Brick At A Time</span><br /> A gangster and his girlfriend were walking down the road when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in the window.<br /> <br /> "Wow," she said, "I would sure like to have that!"<br /> <br /> "No problem baby!" said the gangster, as he threw a brick through the window, snatched the ring and ran off with her. <br /> <br /> An hour later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in another shop window.<br /> <br /> "What I would give to own that!" she said.<br /> <br /> "Sure thing, darling!" said the gangster, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the jacket.<br /> <br /> Finally turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I would do just anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.<br /> <br /> "What the..." said the gangster, "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something?"<br /> <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /> <br /> Blonde Crime</span><br /> Q: Why did the blonde steal a police car?<br /> <br /> A: Because she saw it had 911 written on the back and thought it was a Porsche!<br /> <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /> <br /> The Drug Dealers</span><br /> Two drug dealers are arrested and appear before a judge for trial. Both men are convicted, but the judge agrees to suspend their sentences, if as a community service, they agree to speak to youngsters and successfully steer them away from drugs.<br /> <br /> They both accept this and report back to the judge one week later.<br /> <br /> The judge asks the first man, "How successful were you getting kids off drugs?"<br /> <br /> The first man replies, "I did very well. I stopped 36 kids from doing drugs, your honour!"<br /> <br /> "That's great," replied the judge, "How did you manage to do that?"<br /> <br /> "Well," replied the first man, "I drew two circles, one big and one little. I pointed to the big one and said, 'this is your brain before drugs!' then I pointed to the little one and said, 'This is your brain after drugs'"<br /> <br /> "Well," said the judge, "It's simple but effective!"<br /> <br /> The judge then asks the second man how he did. <br /> <br /> The second man says, "I got 100 kids off drugs, your honour!"<br /> <br /> "Really?" said the judge, "That is amazing, how did you do it?"<br /> <br /> "Well," said the second guy, "I drew two circles, just like he did but I pointed at the small circle first and said, 'This is your a**hole before you go into prison...'"<br /> <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /> <br /> The Pickpocket</span><br /> Banks, a pickpocket, was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said, "Mr Banks, you are hereby fined £100."<br /> <br /> The lawyer stood up and said, "Thanks, my lord. My client only has £75 on him at this time, but if you’d allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."<br /> <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /> <br /> Transvestite</span><br /> Q: What’s the most common crime committed by transvestites? <br /> <br /> A: Male fraud.<strong> </strong><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /> <br /> Speeding Woes</span><br /> Doing 120 in a 65 kmh zone, a man driving a Ferrari knew he was in trouble when a cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop, he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up, he pulled over.<br /> <br /> The cop approached the car, "Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen"<br /> <br /> "Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a cop."<br /> <br /> "SO WHAT?!!" the cop screamed.<br /> <br /> "I thought you were trying to bring her back!"<br /> <br /> <br /> -Pictures courtesy Thinkstock-<br /> http://guylife.com </div> <!-- Below is the AtContent repost button code. Please don't delete or change it in any way. --> <script async="true" src="https://w.atcontent.com/-/5zON8cYhOqE/tech09/0CQA1PMp1py.text/Panel/Autocheck"></script>

Humour: Jokes About Crime

12:50:00 PM

Crime vs. Cartoon Q: What do Jack The Ripper and Winnie The Pooh have in common? A: They both have the same middle name! One Brick At A Time A gangster and his girlfriend were walking down the road when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in the … Read more »

Read more »

Humour: Jokes About Dating

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="guyLifeImageDiv" style="text-align: center;"><img align="middle" alt="undefined" border="0" src="http://idiva.com/media/content/2012/Jan/datininline.jpg" title="undefined" /></div><strong>Mother Knows Best</strong><br /> John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how John and his roommate Julie looked at each other. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this only made her more curious. By the end of the evening she was convinced there was more between them than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates."<br /> <br /> About a week later, Julie went to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"<br /> <br /> John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure."<br /> <br /> So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John."<br /> <br /> The next day, John received a response from his mother that read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle that's been in her pillow since I left. Love, Mom."<br /> <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /> <br /> The Fare</span><br /> A teenager and his date were parked on a back road outside of town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads outside of town. Things were getting pretty serious when the girl stopped the boy and said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a prostitute and I charge $100 for sex."<br /> <br /> The boy just looked at her for a few moments, but then reluctantly paid her the money and they did their thing. After getting dressed again, the boy sat quietly in the driver's seat listening to the radio and looking out of the front window.<br /> <br /> "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.<br /> <br /> "Well, I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a taxi driver and the fare back to town is $125."        <br /> <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /> <br /> The First Date</span><br /> A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk. He asks his father for advice. The father replies, "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."<br /> <br /> The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl, "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.<br /> <br /> The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl, "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"<br /> <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /> <br /> The Blind Date</span><br /> After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. <br /> <br /> When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." "Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"<br /> <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /> <br /> Cheap Date</span><br /> Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Little Johnny's Father asked how much his last date had cost. <br /> <br /> Little Johnny calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think." <br /> <br /> "Well," said his Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening." <br /> <br /> "To be honest Dad," Little Johnny went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had." <br /> <a href="http://guylife.com/">http://guylife.com/</a><br /> </div> <!-- Below is the AtContent repost button code. Please don't delete or change it in any way. --> <script async="true" src="https://w.atcontent.com/-/3ITUTDobBwx/tech09/4CVvsfVwIN4.text/Panel/Autocheck"></script>

Humour: Jokes About Dating

11:36:00 AM

Mother Knows Best John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how John and his roommate Julie looked at each other. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and … Read more »

Read more »

Bananas gone Wild

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br /> <a href="http://ity.im/0qV6N"><img alt="http://i44.servimg.com/u/f44/12/84/11/29/kitche10.jpg" height="286" src="http://i44.servimg.com/u/f44/12/84/11/29/kitche10.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>THIS IS FOR ANYONE WHO LOVES BANANAS</div> <!-- Below is the AtContent repost button code. Please don't delete or change it in any way. --> <script async="true" src="https://w.atcontent.com/-/0Kz1XIy9wor/tech09/4-TCRO47qUT.text/Panel/Autocheck"></script>

Bananas gone Wild

11:23:00 AM

THIS IS FOR ANYONE WHO LOVES BANANAS … Read more »

Read more »

Dirty Jokes

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="guyLifeImageDiv" style="text-align: center;"><strong><img align="middle" alt="undefined" border="0" src="http://idiva.com/media/content/2011/Jul/inlinesexjokes.jpg" title="undefined" /></strong></div><br /> The next best thing to actually having sex is laughing about others' follies in the bedroom. Enjoy these five dirty jokes!<br /> <br /> <br /> <strong>Room Service</strong><br /> <br /> A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow nudges her chest.<br /> <br /> They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your bosom, I know you'll forgive me."<br /> <br /> She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221." <br /> <br /> <strong><br /> <strong>Sexy Pickle Slicer</strong></strong>Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years before he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the<strong> </strong>pickle slicer. <br /> <br /> His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about this strange desire, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. <br /> <br /> One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashamed. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. <br /> <br /> "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.<br /> <br /> "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" <br /> <br /> "Oh, Bill, you didn't." <br /> <br /> "Yes, I did."<br /> <br /> "My God, Bill, what happened?" <br /> <br /> "I got fired." <br /> <br /> "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" <br /> <br /> "Oh...she got fired too."<br /> <br /> <br /> <strong><strong>Who Wears The Pants Now?</strong></strong><br /> The newlyweds are in their honeymoon suite and the groom decides to start asserting himself right away.<br /> <br /> He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at his bride.<br /> <br /> He says, "Put those on."<br /> <br /> The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."<br /> <br /> He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in this relationship!"<br /> <br /> The bride takes off her underwear and throws them at him and says, "Try those on!"<br /> <br /> He replies,"I can't get into your panties!"<br /> <br /> Comes her retort, "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."<br /> <br /> <br /> <strong>Quite A Specimen</strong><br /> There was an elderly man whose efforts to get his young wife pregnant had failed. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. <br /> <br /> The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. <br /> <br /> The elderly man came back the next day with an empty specimen cup.<br /> <br /> The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" <br /> <br /> The elderly man replied, "Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand..nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. <br /> <br /> On hearing this the doctor said, "Wait a minute! You mean your wife's friend tried too?" <br /> <br /> The elderly man responded, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off that damn cup!"<br /> <br /> <br /> <strong>Trick Photography</strong><br /> On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The bride comes out of the bathroom, showered and wearing a beautiful robe. <br /> <br /> The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." <br /> <br /> The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.<br /> <br /> "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. <br /> <br /> Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" <br /> <br /> He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".<br /> <br /> She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. <br /> <br /> He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that, the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture." <br /> <br /> He beams and asks why.<br /> <br /> She answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"<br /> <br /> <a href="http://guylife.com/news-lifemore/humour-dirty-jokes/6496">http://guylife.com/</a><br /> <br /> </div> <!-- Below is the AtContent repost button code. Please don't delete or change it in any way. --> <script async="true" src="https://w.atcontent.com/-/7_F3SkZ7fTM/tech09/2LkAaKB9ebF.text/Panel/Autocheck"></script>

Dirty Jokes

2:16:00 PM

The next best thing to actually having sex is laughing about others' follies in the bedroom. Enjoy these five dirty jokes! Room Service A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accide… Read more »

Read more »

Humour: Doctor Jokes

<div class="guyLifeImageDiv" style="text-align:center;"><img align="middle" alt="undefined" border="0" src="http://idiva.com/media/content/2011/Jul/inlinedoctorjokes.jpg" style="width: 455px; height: 341px;" title="undefined" /></div> <strong><strong>A Second Opinion<br /></strong><br /></strong>A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.<br /><br />"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.<br /><br />By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife finally picked up.<br /><br />"What took you so long to answer?" asked the concerned doctor.<br /><br />"I was in bed," answered his wife.<br /><br />"What were you doing in bed this late?" inquired the doctor.<br /><br />To which his wife responded, "Getting a second opinion from Jimmy next door!"<br /><br /><br /><strong>Tricky Diagnosis<br /></strong><br />A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.<br /><br />"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.<br /><br />"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.<br /><br />"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor. "Be a little more specific."<br /><br />The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.<br /><br />The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis:<br /><br />"Young lady, you have a broken finger."<br /><br /><br /><strong>The Incurable Disease<br /></strong><br />A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.<br /><br />On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.<br /><br />On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft. Then turn on the air conditioner and stand naked in front of it until you start shivering. And repeat this cycle three times."<br /><br />"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."<br /><br />"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."<br /><br /><br /><strong>Surgical Precision</strong><br /><br />Three doctors are in the duck hunting and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but his delay makes him miss and the bird flies away.<br /><br />The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.<br /><br />A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."<br /><br /><br /><strong>Doctor's Code<br /></strong><br />Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.<br /><br />No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.<br /><br />But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, "Dave, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go…"<br /><br />But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering, "Dave you sick man... you are a vet!"<br /><a href="http://guylife.com/news-lifemore/humour-doctor-jokes/6684"><br />http://guylife.com/</a> <!-- Below is the AtContent repost button code. Please don't delete or change it in any way. --> <script async="true" src="https://w.atcontent.com/-/0VgbD0WzTNl/tech09/1WCgYft4rP3.text/Panel/Autocheck"></script>

Humour: Doctor Jokes

2:22:00 PM

A Second OpinionA doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast."You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife finall… Read more »

Read more »

Humour: Viagra Jokes

<div class="guyLifeImageDiv" style="text-align: left;"><img align="middle" alt="undefined" border="0" src="http://idiva.com/media/content/2011/Jul/viagrajokesinline.jpg" style="width: 418px; height: 334px;" title="undefined" /></div> <p>It may be one of the most successful pharmaceutical drugs of all time, but there sure are a lot of jokes out there about the little blue pill. Here are five of the best.</p> <p class="p2"> </p> <p class="p1"><strong><br />Supremely Stiff</strong></p> <p class="p2"> </p> <p class="p1"><strong>Q: </strong>Did you hear about the side-effect Viagra has? </p> <p class="p1"><strong>A: </strong>If you swallow it really slowly you might get a stiff neck.</p> <p class="p2"> </p> <p class="p1"><strong><br />Mixing it Up</strong></p> <p class="p2"> </p> <p class="p1"><strong>Q: </strong>What do you get when you mix Viagra with antidepressants?</p> <p class="p1"><strong>A: </strong>A guy who’s ready to go but doesn’t really care where.</p> <p class="p2"> </p> <p class="p1"><strong><br />Disney World</strong></p> <p class="p2"> </p> <p class="p1"><strong>Q: </strong>Why is Viagra like a crowded amusement park?</p> <p class="p1"><strong>A:</strong> You have to wait an hour for a 3 minute ride.</p> <p class="p2"> </p> <p class="p1"><strong><br />Wife vs Maid</strong></p> <p class="p2"> </p> <p class="p1">A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex. The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get back from work.</p> <p class="p3"> </p> <p class="p1">An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours.</p> <p class="p3"> </p> <p class="p1">In a panic, he phoned the doctor. "What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home." </p> <p class="p2"> </p> <p class="p1">"I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?" "Yes." "Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?" </p> <p class="p2"> </p> <p class="p1">The man was silent for a few seconds, then said "But I never need Viagra with the maid!"</p> <p class="p2"> </p> <p class="p1"><strong><br />The Old Men and the Viagra</strong></p> <p class="p2"> </p> <p class="p1">Two elderly men were talking about Viagra. One had never heard of it and asked the other what it was for.</p> <p class="p2"> </p> <p class="p1">"It's the greatest invention ever," he said. "It makes you feel like you're young again and puts lead in your pencil like you wouldn't believe" </p> <p class="p1"><br />"Can you get it over the counter?" the Viagra newbie asked.</p> <p class="p2"> </p> <p class="p1">Pat came the reply, "probably--if you took two.”</p><p class="p1"><a href="http://guylife.com/news-lifemore/humour-viagra-jokes/6614">http://guylife.com/</a><br /></p> <!-- Below is the AtContent repost button code. Please don't delete or change it in any way. --> <script async="true" src="https://w.atcontent.com/-/2RKD_3JPfxQ/tech09/5EDg6GPg2wc.text/Panel/Autocheck"></script>

Humour: Viagra Jokes

12:57:00 PM

It may be one of the most successful pharmaceutical drugs of all time, but there sure are a lot of jokes out there about the little blue pill. Here are five of the best. Supremely Stiff Q: Did you hear about the side-effect Viagra has? A: If … Read more »

Read more »