The next best thing to actually having sex is laughing about others' follies in the bedroom. Enjoy these five dirty jokes!
A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow nudges her chest.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your bosom, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
Sexy Pickle SlicerBill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years before he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about this strange desire, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashamed. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Who Wears The Pants Now?
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon suite and the groom decides to start asserting himself right away.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at his bride.
He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in this relationship!"
The bride takes off her underwear and throws them at him and says, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your panties!"
Comes her retort, "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
Quite A Specimen
There was an elderly man whose efforts to get his young wife pregnant had failed. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.
The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day with an empty specimen cup.
The doctor asked, "What was the problem?"
The elderly man replied, "Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand..nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.
On hearing this the doctor said, "Wait a minute! You mean your wife's friend tried too?"
The elderly man responded, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off that damn cup!"
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The bride comes out of the bathroom, showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.
"Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.
Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that, the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture."
He beams and asks why.
She answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"