Crime vs. Cartoon
Q: What do Jack The Ripper and Winnie The Pooh have in common?
A: They both have the same middle name!
One Brick At A Time
A gangster and his girlfriend were walking down the road when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in the window.
"Wow," she said, "I would sure like to have that!"
"No problem baby!" said the gangster, as he threw a brick through the window, snatched the ring and ran off with her.
An hour later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in another shop window.
"What I would give to own that!" she said.
"Sure thing, darling!" said the gangster, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the jacket.
Finally turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I would do just anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.
"What the..." said the gangster, "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something?"
Q: Why did the blonde steal a police car?
A: Because she saw it had 911 written on the back and thought it was a Porsche!
The Drug Dealers
Two drug dealers are arrested and appear before a judge for trial. Both men are convicted, but the judge agrees to suspend their sentences, if as a community service, they agree to speak to youngsters and successfully steer them away from drugs.
They both accept this and report back to the judge one week later.
The judge asks the first man, "How successful were you getting kids off drugs?"
The first man replies, "I did very well. I stopped 36 kids from doing drugs, your honour!"
"That's great," replied the judge, "How did you manage to do that?"
"Well," replied the first man, "I drew two circles, one big and one little. I pointed to the big one and said, 'this is your brain before drugs!' then I pointed to the little one and said, 'This is your brain after drugs'"
"Well," said the judge, "It's simple but effective!"
The judge then asks the second man how he did.
The second man says, "I got 100 kids off drugs, your honour!"
"Really?" said the judge, "That is amazing, how did you do it?"
"Well," said the second guy, "I drew two circles, just like he did but I pointed at the small circle first and said, 'This is your a**hole before you go into prison...'"
Banks, a pickpocket, was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said, "Mr Banks, you are hereby fined £100."
The lawyer stood up and said, "Thanks, my lord. My client only has £75 on him at this time, but if you’d allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."
Q: What’s the most common crime committed by transvestites?
A: Male fraud.
Doing 120 in a 65 kmh zone, a man driving a Ferrari knew he was in trouble when a cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop, he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up, he pulled over.
The cop approached the car, "Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen"
"Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a cop."
"SO WHAT?!!" the cop screamed.
"I thought you were trying to bring her back!"
-Pictures courtesy Thinkstock-