There are few guarantees in life, but this much we can say with 
certainty: The sun rises in the east, death comes to us all and you 
will, at one time or another, suddenly find yourself in the midst of a 
blazing fight with your girlfriend without even realizing it.
Many
 of us have been there. One minute you’re having a conversation, maybe a
 minor argument, but that’s OK, it’s all under control. Then you say 
something... a word or passing comment, something relatively harmless, 
or so you think; and that sets her off. As soon as it leaves your lips, 
the air changes and there’s no easy way back. 
There are some 
things men should never say to their women--conversational land mines 
that appear insignificant on the face of it, but are really not. The 
good news is that we know, for the most part, what they are. Many men 
have suffered before you. It would be wise to heed their counsel and not
 say these things:
“Are you really going to eat all that?”Your
 girlfriend is, by definition, as light as a feather and nimble as a 
dancer. To so much as whisper a hint of the notion that she might be, 
you know, 
otherwise, is to risk paying a price as heavy as you 
suspect her to be. In fact, avoid the topic of food altogether if you 
can. Eating is an emotional, often obsessive business for women, and 
occasionally an actual disorder. It’s tied up with their identity, their
 self-image, their fantasies. So the answer is, yes, she's really going 
to eat all that. All that dancing must have given her an appetite.
“B*tch!”The
 B word is like the N word: Unless you’ve been appropriately oppressed, 
you don’t get to use it. You might be able to pull off an ironic Snoop 
Dogg-style “beeeyatch,” so long as you’re smiling as you say it. But to 
say “b*tch” with any kind of intent is to pull the pin out of a grenade.
“My ex used to...”Anything
 you say with the words “my ex” in it will be held against you in a 
court of law, as well it should be. Of course, it’s natural to compare 
your girlfriends, but keep it to yourself. There are inside thoughts and
 outside thoughts. This belongs firmly to the former category.
“You always do that.”One
 sure way to escalate a minor tiff into a nuclear showdown is to use 
words like “never” and “always”. They’re too sweeping to be true, so 
you’ll not only upset her, you’ll give her the opportunity to prove you 
wrong and seize the higher ground. And it tends to drag every other 
argument you’ve had into your present one, which is like rehashing all 
the worst parts of your relationship all at once.
“You sound just like your mother.”Don’t
 compare her to her mother or her sister, for that matter. You don’t 
know those people like she does, and you don’t know the full complexity 
of their relationships. And anyway, everyone wants an independent 
identity, separate and distinct from their family members.
“Yeah, she’s hot.”Chances
 are she lured you in with an innocent question, like, “Do you think 
she’s cute?”, shrugging her shoulders like it wouldn't matter either 
way. But don’t be fooled. You must lie quickly and reflexively. Whether 
it’s a girl in a magazine, a Facebook friend, a waitress or whoever, the
 answer is always "no." In fact, you win extra points for casually 
finding fault in her the closer you look. Watch your girlfriend light up
 as you say, “Is it me, or is her nose a bit weird?”
“What’s up with your hair?”Her
 hair looks great and it suits her perfectly. She’s allowed to have a 
bad hair day, but you’re not allowed to notice it. For girls, hair isn’t
 just hair.
“Relax!”The
 thing about “relax” is it dramatically reduces the chances of her 
relaxing. The same goes for “chill” and “calm down.” Here’s an 
alternative: “I can see how you would feel that way.” It takes a Zen 
master to actually use it in the heat of combat, but it's there if you 
need it.
“Is this your time of the month?”Even
 if it is, you’re not to mention it. Your role is to pretend that her 
menstrual cycle has no effect on her tendency to shriek and stamp and 
then burst into tears for no reason whatsoever. In this matter, you must
 occupy the high ground and show pity--indulge her delusion that she is 
not in fact deranged by hormones and that she’s making a valid point. 
The moment will pass.
“I love you.”I
 know what you’re thinking. This is supposed to be the magic pill, the 
cure-all, the instant fix. But the thing about the L word is that it 
sends women into a heightened sense of awareness. As soon as they hear 
it, they can tell whether you mean it or not. Misuse the force and it 
may destroy you. Or as the saying goes, if you play with fire, you might
 get slapped in the middle of a restaurant!
So we're not saying don't 
ever say it; we're saying don't say it until you actually mean it!