There are few guarantees in life, but this much we can say with
certainty: The sun rises in the east, death comes to us all and you
will, at one time or another, suddenly find yourself in the midst of a
blazing fight with your girlfriend without even realizing it.
Many
of us have been there. One minute you’re having a conversation, maybe a
minor argument, but that’s OK, it’s all under control. Then you say
something... a word or passing comment, something relatively harmless,
or so you think; and that sets her off. As soon as it leaves your lips,
the air changes and there’s no easy way back.
There are some
things men should never say to their women--conversational land mines
that appear insignificant on the face of it, but are really not. The
good news is that we know, for the most part, what they are. Many men
have suffered before you. It would be wise to heed their counsel and not
say these things:
“Are you really going to eat all that?”Your
girlfriend is, by definition, as light as a feather and nimble as a
dancer. To so much as whisper a hint of the notion that she might be,
you know,
otherwise, is to risk paying a price as heavy as you
suspect her to be. In fact, avoid the topic of food altogether if you
can. Eating is an emotional, often obsessive business for women, and
occasionally an actual disorder. It’s tied up with their identity, their
self-image, their fantasies. So the answer is, yes, she's really going
to eat all that. All that dancing must have given her an appetite.
“B*tch!”The
B word is like the N word: Unless you’ve been appropriately oppressed,
you don’t get to use it. You might be able to pull off an ironic Snoop
Dogg-style “beeeyatch,” so long as you’re smiling as you say it. But to
say “b*tch” with any kind of intent is to pull the pin out of a grenade.
“My ex used to...”Anything
you say with the words “my ex” in it will be held against you in a
court of law, as well it should be. Of course, it’s natural to compare
your girlfriends, but keep it to yourself. There are inside thoughts and
outside thoughts. This belongs firmly to the former category.
“You always do that.”One
sure way to escalate a minor tiff into a nuclear showdown is to use
words like “never” and “always”. They’re too sweeping to be true, so
you’ll not only upset her, you’ll give her the opportunity to prove you
wrong and seize the higher ground. And it tends to drag every other
argument you’ve had into your present one, which is like rehashing all
the worst parts of your relationship all at once.
“You sound just like your mother.”Don’t
compare her to her mother or her sister, for that matter. You don’t
know those people like she does, and you don’t know the full complexity
of their relationships. And anyway, everyone wants an independent
identity, separate and distinct from their family members.
“Yeah, she’s hot.”Chances
are she lured you in with an innocent question, like, “Do you think
she’s cute?”, shrugging her shoulders like it wouldn't matter either
way. But don’t be fooled. You must lie quickly and reflexively. Whether
it’s a girl in a magazine, a Facebook friend, a waitress or whoever, the
answer is always "no." In fact, you win extra points for casually
finding fault in her the closer you look. Watch your girlfriend light up
as you say, “Is it me, or is her nose a bit weird?”
“What’s up with your hair?”Her
hair looks great and it suits her perfectly. She’s allowed to have a
bad hair day, but you’re not allowed to notice it. For girls, hair isn’t
just hair.
“Relax!”The
thing about “relax” is it dramatically reduces the chances of her
relaxing. The same goes for “chill” and “calm down.” Here’s an
alternative: “I can see how you would feel that way.” It takes a Zen
master to actually use it in the heat of combat, but it's there if you
need it.
“Is this your time of the month?”Even
if it is, you’re not to mention it. Your role is to pretend that her
menstrual cycle has no effect on her tendency to shriek and stamp and
then burst into tears for no reason whatsoever. In this matter, you must
occupy the high ground and show pity--indulge her delusion that she is
not in fact deranged by hormones and that she’s making a valid point.
The moment will pass.
“I love you.”I
know what you’re thinking. This is supposed to be the magic pill, the
cure-all, the instant fix. But the thing about the L word is that it
sends women into a heightened sense of awareness. As soon as they hear
it, they can tell whether you mean it or not. Misuse the force and it
may destroy you. Or as the saying goes, if you play with fire, you might
get slapped in the middle of a restaurant!
So we're not saying don't
ever say it; we're saying don't say it until you actually mean it!